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The publication of THE FEMININE MISTAKE on April 3 unleashed a firestorm of rage that has, frankly, been pretty overwhelming. After Ann Curry interviewed me on The Today Show about the risks of economic dependency, NBC was inundated with hundreds of furious emails from women attacking what I said. More than a few added comments like: “I want to punch her in the face.”
Although they’re entitled to their opinions, they often seemed to be talking about someone else entirely. Many of these women insisted that I must be divorced, childless, bitter, lonely and angry. Such self-appointed critics claimed I had been “dumped by” my husband or I wouldn’t be writing about the longterm dangers women become vulnerable to when they depend on a man to support them. I’ve actually been married for nearly 20 years to a fellow journalist, and we have two teenagers; my home is about as lonely as Grand Central Station. But even in the age of Google, few of these hostile bloggers bothered to ascertain the facts before making unflattering assumptions.
As the days went on, the name-calling got uglier. “Dr.” Laura Schlessinger--the vitriolic radio advice-dispenser who built a multi-million-dollar career out of admonishing other women to quit work and stay home with their kids--was so incensed by my comments on the value of work for women that she felt moved to denounce me as fat. She also claimed she had once seen me eat a sandwich that contained mayonnaise. Quelle horreur! I wasn’t aware that these were capital crimes, but hey, you learn something new every day.
Then Penelope Trunk, a Boston Globe and Yahoo Finance columnist, posted a blog saying that other women shouldn’t listen to what I’ve reported about women’s financial vulnerability because I’m “incredibly fat,” as she put it, except in capital letters followed by many exclamation points. From this Trunk concluded that I have a “mental problem,” although she admitted that she herself is not without food issues, having been treated at an eating disorders clinic. She nonetheless advised me to stop working for a year and “take care of” myself. Gosh, thanks, Penelope, that’s so helpful--can I forward my children’s tuition bills to you while I’m taking all those Pilates classes and spa treatments? (And by the way, do male journalists have to play by the same rules and remain bikini-ready in order to report the news, or is it just us girls?)
Although the insults hurt, I can only hope that the information I’ve collected in my book will find its way to some of the women who could benefit from it. Many clearly won’t; a shocking number of the stay-at-home moms now excoriating the book have vowed publicly never to read it, and they’re telling other women not to read it either.
But some stay-at-home wives have more open minds, like the Massachusetts mother of three who called me at home early Saturday morning, sobbing. She told me she had discovered my book in a store the day before, stayed up all night reading it, and felt it was “the most empowering book I’ve ever read,” as she put it. “I don’t know how your book found me, but I swear to God I think you’ve saved my life,” she added.
And the professional reviews of THE FEMININE MISTAKE--the ones written by people who actually read it before passing judgment--are almost all positive. The book also seems to be striking a chord with working women, many of whom are thrilled to read something that says they shouldn’t feel guilty about working and aren’t bad mothers for doing so. One said she’d read the book on an airplane flight, crying all the way so that the stewardess had to keep bringing her tissues. Working moms rarely get such validation, and many are deeply grateful to read a book about balancing kids and jobs that doesn’t trash them.
There’s more than one way to take care of your children, and making sure you can support them is an important part of being a responsible parent, whether you’re male or female--and no matter what your size.
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Logical Fallacy in the Mistake Conclusion
It indeed is a terrible blow, financial and otherwise, when a woman who has left her career to stay home with children is betrayed by her husband and left in a financial and emotional crisis. How could one argue that she would not have been better off, at least financially, to have remained in the work force?
On the other hand, why is it that the decision to stay home with children is the one identified as the fatal mistake? Doesn't this situation also support the argument that women should not marry, or should not have children? Certainly it is also unarguable that the woman in such a circumstance would have been better off not marrying the adulterer in the first place. And what about having children? Wouldn't a woman also be financially better off, after having been left by her husband, never having had children, either? At the very least, they are going to cost a lot to maintain, even if she is just paying someone else to maintain them.
The reason the book, and other similar books, ignore this argument is that arguing that women should not marry or should not have children is going way too far, would gather no serious listeners, and would offend most people. But if all one looks at are financial ramifications of the worst case scenario when a women gives up a career to stay home, then the argument that she should never have stopped working applies just as forcefully, and with no means of distinguishing, to the argument that she should not have married and should not have had children.
But the reality is that the decision of how a particular mother chooses to balance the work-motherhood equation is an intensely personal one, even a spiritual one, and no woman can make that decision for another or justly criticize the other for her choice. Whether you are the stay-at-home mother who is abandoned by her husband and left without financial means, or you are the mother who earns a high salary and sees her children for only a couple of hours a day while they are raised by someone else, there is always a sacrifice. Everyone just has to determine which ones they are willing to make. The Mistake is thinking that you can know for someone else, or that the dispositive answer can be found by simply looking to where the money lies. (And incidentally, there is a whole wealth of information about the bankruptcy crisis in this country being traceable to two-income homes who fall into financial disaster when one of the incomes fails due to divorce, death or illness, so the argument that working moms = more stable financial lives is also subject to debate).
Logical Fallacy's false argument
Well, actually how a particular mother "chooses" to balance her work/motherhood equation IS fair game for public discussion. The fact is, women who abdicate their economic responsibility are just as irresponsible as "deadbeat dads" who disappear and don't pay child support.
As long as a man is around to pay the bills and the support of the children does not fall to the rest of us, then society has this idea that they have no say, but the fact is that our tax code and our financial aid systems heavily subsidize one income families. That money doesn't fall from the sky folks--resources are not infinite. A family with one non-earning parent and one earning parent is not penalized for that choice in either the federal or private school financial aid need calculation methodologies. Middle and upper middle class women who choose not to work and then whose children qualify for need-based aid divert resources from the truly poor--those students whose parents are truly low income.
Likewise the tax code subsidizes these choices--non-working spouses can be claimed as dependents, may shelter some of the wagearners pre-tax income in an IRA, etc.
What does society say about a man who "chooses" not to work and just expects family or the taxpayers to support his choice? Or what about an unmarried mother who stays at home full time? Oh wait--we told them to get back to work during the Clinton administration. Society discourages these choices--sometimes to the extent of threatening jail time, as in the case of "deadbeat dads." Why do married middle class women get to choose but nobody else does?
Trusting Your Husband Is Not Wrong
Ms. Bennetts, I am extremely bothered by the message you are proclaiming in your book. As a wife and stay-at-home mother (who gave up working outside of the home), I do not think that it is a healthy message to be proclaiming to women. Being a stay-at-home mother is a wonderful choice to make. Yes, it does require trusting your husband, but that trust should be present before you say “I do.” I think that too many women do find themselves facing unfortunate circumstances after their husband's death or divorce, but the problem is not that they decided to become stay-at-home-mothers. I think that women need to be responsible for their economic security. They should know how to be able to earn an income, balance a checkbook, and basically take care of themselves financially. But, I also think that taking care of a home and raising children is a JOB and there is nothing wrong with your husband being your "employer." I think that couples should be open and sharing in everything, so women should always know what's going on with the finances and should not allow themselves to be kept in the dark. The wife should make sure that her name is on the bank accounts, mortgage, retirement accounts, etc. Even if the husband is the primary income earner, that income is still the wife's too. One of the real issues is being smart when it comes to picking a spouse and making sure that you know who it is you are saying "I do" to before you do it. I don't think that the problem is that women are not earning an income or are not working outside of the home, but that they are not making smarter choices when it comes to picking a spouse, how they will allow themselves to be treated, and how they allow their marriage to operate. Along with women needing to make better choices in who they choose to marry, they need to make sure that the man they are saying “I do” to really has their (the wife's) best interest at his heart too. Why marry a man that does not care what happens to you if, God forbids, something happens to him and he is no longer around or why marry a man that would want to see you broken down and destroyed by divorcing you? Now, granted when it comes to divorce I'm sure that can bring out the ugly in some people, but I have to think that some of that is noticeable earlier, probably early enough before saying I do. Being a wife and stay-at-home-mother is not about allowing yourself to fall short of the responsibility of self-care - in all aspects of self-care. As a final note, being a stay at home mom, just being a mom period, is one of the most under appreciated and under thanked PROFESSIONS! I'm really bothered that you chose to devalue the profession when society already does enough of it.
Lessons learned the hard way
Everyone has a story to tell. A few years ago my friend's husband left her with 4 children under the age of 5 to raise alone when he met a younger woman. My friend had been out of the workforce and relied soley on him. One of their children required surgeries and with his many health issues, she was unable to return to her career. She is broke all of the time, depressed and alone. She relies on minimal child support to pay all of her bills while her ex-husband is galavanting around the globe with his little hottie.
My husband said he would never do this to me. Trust no one. Only a few months ago, I discovered his nearly 3 year affair with a 22 yr. old single, uneducated, unemployed young mother. She thought she hit the gravy train. Turns out my husband took our life savings, the kid's college education funds, remortgaged the house, and took out a $70,000 home equity line of credit to fund the ongoing affair. Somehow he still managed to put money into his IRA but not mine over the last five years since I left the workforce to raise our children. When he cut off her money because there wasn't any left, the affair turned into Fatal Attraction with threats and blackmail. Now, here I am attempting to return to the workforce full-time after giving up my career to stay at home with our children. HUGE MISTAKE! After I revealed my story to other stay-at-home moms, they revealed the ugly truth on their home lives, many of which involved instability and insecurity because they also left valued careers.
If you are a woman who relies upon a man for income and future stability, I wish you luck. I hope this book helps open every woman's eyes before they end up like me and my many stay-at-home friends. We learned our lessons the hard way. If you have found a loving, honest husband who doesn't sock hidden money away in his own account, count yourself among the lucky ones in the world. The harsh reality of what can happen has happened to many of us already. I only wish someone would have written this book before I left my career. Every woman should know their financial situation, have access to every bank account, stock, bond, and every asset listed as your joint equity. It never hurts to check up on your husband either - look at his cell bill, computer hard drive, and receipts. Had I done any of the above, I wouldn't be beholden to a liar and a cheat now. There is nothing wrong with the author telling women to take care of themselves. Unfortunately, many of us needed the author's book years ago.
Thank You
I am one third of the way through The Feminine Mistake and couldn’t wait to thank you for your timely and important work. I am a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER ™ in Columbia, SC and often work with women who are not in control of, or even involved in, their present financial lives, much less their financial futures. Sometimes, it is hard to stomach the male-bashing that accompanies of these womens’ stories, because it is clear that the women walk into their situations willingly. Instead, I try to focus on what they can do now to improve the situation.
I just started a financial blog a few months ago, called “My Two Cents” to encourage women to take an honest look at their financial lives and to take action before it is too late. My hope and intention for my blog is to get women thinking, talking and acting, so I am so excited that this book will do just that!
Yes, the system still needs fixing, yes, there are still double standards. But if we turn off our brains and trust that this broken, unfair system will take care of us because we think it should, we are screwed.
I am so happy to have your book to recommend to clients, friends, and family. My younger sister is pregnant with her first child and is, at this moment, sitting at the intersection of decision about working or not. I am so happy she will have this book with which to make her plans.
And, I am speaking to the local chapter of the National Association of Women in Construction in June and will suggest that the members read the book, and then take action!
Thank you, again, Leslie, for speaking the truth. If you would like a local spokesperson for this area, I am at your service.
Sincerely,
Meredith H. Kaiser, CFP®
some may say
While what you are saying may hold true to SOME women...to say that all women who make the choice to stay home have made a mistake that may ruin her life is going too far. I have been working at the same job with tremedous job security for 8 years. I never, not in a million years, thought that my life would take me away from that job. But life did take me away, and it has been the best decision I made thus far in my life. I have struggled to make ends meet before my son and I am sure that I will continue to struggle with the new mouth to feed, but it is a struggle that I will gladly endure if it means giving hima better life.
Regardless if I believe my marriage will work or not I will continue to "clean homes to make ends meet", and maybe learn something along the way...Life is only worth it if you are happy in it...my son makes me happy and the more time I get to spend with him during the day the happier my life becomes. I quit a tremendous paying job to serve people at night in a little Italian joint...mistake? NOPE!!!!
I am not saying that all women feel this way. I am very much aware that there are women who feel differently...and good for them. Each woman has a choice as to what is best for her and her family.
So while I think you make some good points that are well supported in your article...you missed getting the other sides statistics.
I love being a stay at home mom! Make no "mistake" about it!
In this day and age we can do both.
I just picked up the book and already in the introduction, I am moved. I chose to be a stay at home mother when I had my two boys (now four and five). However, the internet has really opened doors for us ladies. I was able to stay at home and build and sell a small online business. I am so grateful that I kept educating myself about business and money while at home with my kids.
I am now a single mom, and I am still able to be at home with my kids. I do not know very many single moms who can say that.
As women, we are responsible for ourselves and our futures- we cannot allow our future to be trusted to anyone else, because nobody else has our best interests in mind- and frankly, if I can't take care of myself, my kids are in danger and I cannot have that.
My point is, we women have to be able to take care of ourselves, and in this day and age, we do not necessarily have to make the choice between career and home. The internet has leveled the playing field. We can do both.
"I think the key is for women to not set any limits."